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Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

19 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.
Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.

Also up north, a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.

He shouted to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Manchester United.

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."


So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says
there is no nursing home available for you -

what do you do?

Senior Health Care Solution

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 MP's and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course,
this means you will be sent to prison...

where you will get 3 meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating,
air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

Need glasses? - Great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you
that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner,
you don't have to pay income tax any more.

No wonder the rest of the world’s population can't get here fast enough!


1.A beautiful blonde busty woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That s right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."


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